Yeah, I was afraid of something like that. Still, perhaps people are blowing it a bit too out of proportion, and some are being downright sadistic (Tigers open with a  thud? 138 million dollar payroll falls flat? C’mon, people. Maybe if it was, like, a 10-1 Royals win or something like that, but it was a freakin’ one-run game in extra innings). I only saw the later innings (not including the seventh inning, which I listened to on the radio while driving home), but there really wasn’t anything I saw that I can be unhappy about other than the loss itself (well, the passed ball and the stolen bases are a couple things I can do without, but no damage was done). It was certainly an exciting game that in the end probably came down to some old-fashioned bad luck for the Tigers. And I don’t think Verlander’s final line was as bad as everyone thinks it is (Mark Hendricksen and Mark Buehrle both had nightmarish starts today. Hell, even C. C. Sabathia gave up five runs, although Cleveland won their game because Buehrle was worse). And I didn’t see anything from the bullpen that would cause me any concern at this point. They weren’t walking people left and right. They threw strikes. And that’s where the bad luck comes into play. The pitching staff only made about two bad pitches, but didn’t get away with either of them. The first was the home run ball that Alex Gordon hit off Justin Verlander. The second was the 1-2 pitch from Jason Grilli that John Buck hit to tie the game (and really, it was the only bad pitch that Jason Grilli made). Aquilino Lopez also gave up one of Justin’s runs, but from what I can tell (and bear in mind that this happened while I was listening on the radio, so all I’m going on is the analysis of Jim Price), that was more good hitting than it was bad pitching. And Bautista? He took the loss, but I’m not gonna fault someone for a bloop single. Other than that and a couple of walks, he looked really, really good (with some help from Brandon Inge in center on a great throw to get Mark Teahen). I get the feeling that stolen bases may be an issue with him, though.

I can’t make a whole lot of informed comments on the offense, cuz I didn’t see most of it. I was around for Guillen’s game-tying homer, and the Clete Thomas double (boy, more bad luck; that ball was just inches away from clearing the fence). And yes, I have been making fun of his name relentlessly for the past week, although it’s not nearly as funny as Deke Scram (and Clete Thomas sure looked terrified out of his mind when he was being interviewed for the postgame show). I’m not sure why Leyland decided to take Jacque Jones out of the game and put Thomas in, but it almost paid off. Polanco very nearly tied things up once again, but Alex Gordon made a terrific play to rob him of a hit to close out the game and leaving Placido with an 0-for-6 day (Ouch). Most of the Tigers seem to have gotten off to a good start with the bat. The only Tigers to not get hits were Polanco, Jacque Jones, and Gary Sheffield, who probably had the most bizarre line of anyone today (Four walks and a strikeout…I guess the Royals have picked Sheffield as the one they don’t want to get beat by). Guillen ended up being a triple shy of the cycle, which could’ve come in handy in the late innings, although I think Pudge struck out after that, so maybe not (but hey, even though he struck out twice, he still looks like he’s having some good at-bats, cuz he saw a lot of pitches and it didn’t look to me like he was swinging at stuff out of the strike zone). Cabrera certainly didn’t waste any time with the home runs, though. Yeah, with all those hits you’d think the Tigers would’ve scored more than four runs, but from what I hear, Gil Meche made good pitches when he needed to. He is a good pitcher, after all. It’s not the Reyes Effect or anything like that. And when the pitching faltered, the Royals defense stepped up and flashed a little leather. Like I said, I can’t really come up with a whole lot to criticize.

There is something interesting about the game today, and that is that this is the first Opening Day game under Jim Leyland’s reigns that the Tigers have scored more than three runs. 2006’s Opening Day was a 3-1 win over the Royals in KC, and last year was a 5-3 loss to the Blue Jays at home. Just an observation. Other observations are that in the second game over the past two years, the Tiger bats really come alive and pound out a bunch of runs. Now that’s a trend that I would like to see continue. They’ll have to get to Brian Bannister in order to do it. I believe they beat him once and he beat them a couple of times, and I’m pretty sure I labeled the first occurrence as the Reyes Effect, but he did end the season last year with a good ERA, so maybe not. Then again, wasn’t one of those games the one where the Tigers had 16 hits but only three runs? I’m not sure what to think of that. Kenny Rogers’ll start for the Tigers, and one can only hope he stays healthy all year this time ‘round. I know the Royals didn’t treat him too kindly the two or three times they saw him last year, but I think one start was right before he went on the DL, and the second one was right before the end of the season when he was just about out of gas, so it’s tough to tell what’ll happen. First things first, though, and that means an off-day. Sigh. And I have to work too. Oh well, I still have school on Wednesday, so it’s not like I’d be able to actually see the game anyways.

Well, ready or not, the first pitch of the 2008 Detroit season is less than 24 hours away. The Blade, our local newspaper, ran a big feature previewing the Tigers in the Sports section today (they had a similar feature about the Indians yesterday, cuz here in Toledo, the fanbase is roughly 50/50, so they have to cater to both markets). Plus, I watched the season preview on FSN, after having to sit through about 15 minutes of a Red Wings game that went into overtime. Luckily, they didn't have a postgame show. What I have to question FSN on is their choice of video footage for some of the players when they were previewing the lineup (the "real" lineup that includes Curtis Granderson, not the actual Opening Day lineup). The video of Jacque Jones was definitely from three or four years ago. For Pudge, they decided to go with footage of him in that God-awful ugly throwback uniform, and Renteria's footage was from his one year with the Boston Red Sox (and he may or may not have been wearing a throwback uniform in that, but more to the point, that was his worst season in the Major Leagues). Speaking of Pudge, in case you're wondering, it appears he did not leave well enough alone, but I suppose if I had to choose between high pants and bad hair, I'd go with bad hair, cuz most of the time he'll be wearing a hat or a helmet anyways, and in that case, it doesn't really make much difference. On the other end of the scale, Polanco's got more hair than I've ever seen him have (or at least he did in Spring Training). This isn't necessarily bad, but I keep not recognizing him right away. I'm not sure how I could not notice the bulging temples, hair or no hair, but there you go. And that's all I have to say about personal grooming habits. For now, at least.

I'm a little tired of hearing complaints about the bullpen. It's not the fact that they're complaining, it's the argument they're using that I don't like. If you want to criticize members of the bullpen based on past performances, fine. But the #1 argument against the bullpen seems to be "We don't know who any of these guys are." Um, back in 2006, I don't think anyone knew who Fernando Rodney and Joel Zumaya were, so I'm not sure that's really a valid argument. Saying "Jason Grilli was inconsistent last year" is a valid argument, but saying "We don't know who Jason Grilli is" is not a valid argument. So if you're gonna criticize, use real criticisms.

I've been meaning to sort of post my bewilderment about this for a while now. This is the box for one of the baseball video games:

Creepiness abounds in oh-so-many ways. I'm really afraid to ask about the catcher. Really. But I do have a gut feeling.

Hair rants and creepy video games aside, the Total Amateur Analysis is on the air and ready to go (look for the site to shift into Summer Mode within the next day). First up: the Kansas City Royals, who, on paper at least, would seem to be headed for a much better season than they've had in years. Starting for the Tigers is the one-and-only Justin Verlander, and everyone knows how much I love him. His career against Kansas City is absolutely stellar, but Billy Butler is one guy who can hit him. The Royals will be sending out Gil Meche, and Meche is a good pitcher. Lord knows he didn't give the Tigers a whole lot last year. But you know what really sucks? I've got school tomorrow. I'm gonna be sitting in Spanish class around the time Justin throws his first pitch. I'd consider skipping entirely if not for the fact that I have homework due in Japanese, plus you never really want to miss Japanese, since it's one of those types of classes where you can fall behind very quickly if you do that. So while I'll be engaged in the two "other" languages of baseball, I'm not really gonna be able to watch it. If there is a game, that is, cuz all I keep hearing is that it's supposed to rain all day. Still, the thought of "games for real" starting tomorrow is an exciting and terrifying prospect.

"Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. In this corner, wearing white...the number one contender...for your entertainment. So when the bell sounds, prepare yourselves for the main event..."

[Highly edited opening monologue from the Styx song "Great White Hope"]

NOTE: Most of this preview was written prior to the announcement that Curtis Granderson had broken his finger and would start the season on the DL (the sucky thing about that is that if it had started pouring, like, five minutes earlier, the hit-by-pitch never would’ve happened). I’ve made a few revisions and adjustments, but I’ve left most of it alone on the basis that this is a very short-term injury and if all goes well, Curtis will be back before the end of April.

If I were to use one word to describe the Tigers going into this 2008 season, it would be “Expectations.” These boys have a load of expectations on their shoulders. They are “expected” to score a thousand runs. They are “expected” to win the AL Central. They are “expected” to contend for the World Series (though, strangely enough, a lot of experts don’t expect them to win the World Series; most experts seem to be picking the Boston Red Sox for that). It’s been a really long time since Detroit’s had those kinds of expectations. It’s a far cry from the days not so long ago when Detroit was just expected to lose a hundred games and let all the other teams beat up on them. At that time, my boys were just trying to get to .500. It’s nice to have loftier goals than that, and I’m excited to see what this team can do come Opening Day. Of course, the downside is that with those expectations, anything short of a World Series title will be considered a failure, which makes Opening Day downright terrifying in a sense. I keep thinking about the 2006 ALDS. People were saying similar things about the Yankees, and look what happened to them. For us, things are different than they were in 2006. If the Tigers go all the way, they’re not gonna sneak up on anyone this time. However, like 2006, and as much as I love watching the ball fly into the seats, it’s ultimately gonna come down to pitching. If the starters perform the way they’re capable of performing, the Tigers should have a decent rotation. Obviously, the bullpen is already having issues with injuries, which I think was their main problem last year. Hopefully, Rodney won’t be gone all THAT long, but at the same time, those who are criticizing the bullpen seem to forget that it’s not like going to the grocery store and picking up a 100-MPH flamethrower in aisle 5. You can’t trade for what ain’t there. At the same time, though, it’s interesting to see how people are already getting antsy about the bullpen and we haven’t even started the season yet. At any rate, here are some of the other storylines we’re gonna be following in 2008:

What to Do For An Encore: It goes without saying that some of the Tigers had career years last year. Magglio won the batting title, Polanco didn’t make an error all year and won his first Gold Glove, and Curtis Granderson managed to do what only two other players in the history of the game have done (He was joined right at the end of the season by Jimmy Rollins in that feat, so now that number is up to four). It’d be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for these guys to repeat the numbers they put up in 2007, as much as the fans probably want them to. But hey, if they just continue doing what they do best, good things’ll happen.

On the Mend: Injuries were certainly prominent in 2007. Gary Sheffield, Kenny Rogers, Joel Zumaya, Vance Wilson, and Jeremy Bonderman were some of the more prominent victims. Sheffield, Rogers, and Bonderman, from what I’ve seen, all look healthy and ready to go for the season. Vance Wilson should be ready sometime in the next month or so, I guess. And Zumaya? It seems he just can’t stop hurting himself. I swear, if he comes back from this, he’s not allowed to do anything but pitch ever again. No Guitar Hero. No moving boxes around. Nada. At any rate, look for him sometime around the All-Star Break. Or after. Or in August. It really depends on who you ask, and I don’t know who to believe anymore.

Hoping to Bounce Back: As fantastic as 2007 was for Magglio, Polanco, and Granderson, for others, it was less so. Nobody really had an abysmal year (except for Craig Monroe, but that’s why he ain’t around anymore), but there were some who are capable of much more. Brandon Inge probably had the most disappointing season of the current Tigers. There are some who say he played his way out of the lineup, and while I think that’s a bit harsh, his “down” numbers from 2007 certainly hurt his chances of getting traded. He’s been given new life as the starting centerfielder for the first couple weeks of the season, so we’ll see what he does with it. Pudge had a 2007 that would probably be considered decent for most catchers, but since he ain’t most catchers, it’s more like the A-student getting a B (I can certainly relate to that). There are a couple of different theories as to the particular cause of this small slide, depending on who you ask. Rod Allen, the FSN analyst, seemed to think it was a mental or mechanical issue (as evidenced by him frequently saying stuff like “Pudge needs to go the other way” or “He shouldn’t swing at anything out of the strike zone”), but if you listened to Jim Price, his counterpart on the radio, you’d think it was a physical thing (“He’s late on the fastball again” or “He just can’t get the bat speed”). I’m kind of hoping Rod Allen is right, because mechanical/mental problems can potentially be fixed, whereas a physical issue, at Pudge’s age…I don’t know. I know Pudge changed his off-season workout routine, and he arrived at camp with a bit more muscle mass (though he really doesn’t look any bigger to me, but they say he’s put on some weight…in a good way). He’s also said he’s trying to be more patient at the plate, which apparently sent shockwaves through the universe. I think that’s a big key for him. He does need to walk more. I’m not particularly bothered by the fact that he only walked nine times last year, but I am not in any sort of position of authority on the matter. I’m not asking for much. Twenty, twenty-five is a low number, but it’s still respectable. He hasn’t walked a whole lot this spring, but with the way he’s been hitting, it doesn’t really matter. And he never said he was trying to walk more. All he said was that he was gonna try to not swing at stuff out of the strike zone and see more pitches. And he has certainly been doing that. He hasn’t struck out a whole lot (and most of the few strikeouts he’s had have been called third strikes), and during almost all the at-bats he’s had in televised games, he’s seen at least four pitches. At any rate, it’s been a terrific spring for him, in terms of both average and power. Now all he’s gotta do is bring those numbers into the regular season. One other odd thing is that Tigers fans seem to be harder on him about last season than everyone else. Most of the broadcasters for the opposing teams during Spring Training have just said good things about him and hardly even bat an eye when they put up last year’s numbers (they might mention the low walk totals, but that’s about it). My dad’s friend Chuck (a Yankees fan) made mention of the fact that he doesn’t hit as many home runs as he used to, but when we discussed the average, he asked me what the problem was. Moving on…there are some new Tigers who are also looking to bounce back. Jacque Jones, who normally can be counted on to hit about twenty home runs, only hit five last year, and his average was down as well. He hasn’t had a particularly good spring, but in recent games, he’s also fallen victim to the other team’s defenders a little bit (Ryan Garko robbed him of a double the other day). Hopefully he’ll figure it out. Dontrelle Willis is also trying to figure it out, and so far, it just hasn’t happened. Somehow, he’s gotta get his control back (I feel like Yoda now: “Control, control. You must learn control.” I’ve gotta be the only Tigers fan who can recite THAT much Star Wars). It’s gotten to the point where Jim Leyland has made him the fifth starter and not Nate Robertson. He’s got one more chance in the spring. Make it a good one. At any rate, I’ve been told by many different people not to put too much stock in Spring Training performances.

The New Kids: Let’s give a warm welcome to Miguel Cabrera, Dontrelle Willis, Jacque Jones, and Edgar Renteria. Each carries their own risks. Cabrera’s never played in the American League, Willis is coming off the worst season of his young career, Jones had an alarming decrease in power last year, and Renteria’s only prior season in the AL was not a good one. But each has the potential to reap tremendous rewards. And they’re gonna be counted on tremendously. Hopefully, all four can rise to the occasion.  

The Last Hurrah?: When the Tigers made it to the World Series in 2006 only to lose it, I decided to just bask in the fact that no one expected them to even finish above .500, let alone win the pennant. Last year came up a bit short, and while I was disappointed, I was willing to wait another year, cuz I’m only 24 and odds are the Tigers are gonna have many more chances in my lifetime. This year, I may not be quite as low-key, because after 2008, the Tigers are likely gonna start losing some of their original key pieces, and it would be a damn shame if their hard work didn’t get rewarded with a World Series ring. Todd Jones and Kenny Rogers will almost certainly retire after this year, and I’m convinced that this’ll be Pudge’s final season in Detroit. He’ll still be playing in 2009, barring injury, but it’s not gonna be with the Tigers. Not after all the big bucks they just shelled out to Cabrera, Willis, and Granderson, among others, and not with Brandon Inge still with the team (boy, how much would that suck if you lost your job because other teams don’t want someone else). The radio announcers seem to think that any potential contract talks would come down to years rather than dollars, but at any rate, if Pudge has another slow season, the Tigers aren’t gonna even offer a contract, and if he bounces back and has a typical Pudge-type season, someone else would almost certainly be willing to offer more money and/or years than the Tigers, and when Scott Boras is the agent involved, well, you can figure out the rest. Still, if this is his final season with the Tigers, how ‘bout leaving Detroit with a bang?

What About Brandon?: Brandon Inge has a "second life" of sorts as the starting centerfielder for the first couple weeks of the season, but I'm really hoping that he gets traded somewhere where he can play third base on a regular basis, and it's not for the reason you may think. Yes, I do view his catching abilities as a threat, but that's not why I want him traded. It always bothers me a little bit when players are not in positions where they can play at their full potential. This is why I don't like watching Pudge DH or play first base, and it's also why I was uncomfortable watching Curtis Granderson playing left field in the one game that Leyland put him there. Guillen moving to first base from shortstop is a different matter, however. Guillen was a decent shortstop, but not quite Gold Glove material, and he can turn in as strong a defensive performance at first base, and meanwhile, his replacement at short IS a Gold Glover. Brandon Inge has decent catching skills and he can also play the outfield well (I've already seen him make one dazzling play in center), but he really shines at third (Gold Glove quality, if he can ever pick up his offense), and I'd love for him to have the opportunity to continue making those spectacular plays we're accustomed to, but it won't be in Detroit.

The #1 Key: Stay healthy. I know that throughout the 2007 season, everybody you asked said that the injuries were no excuse for poor play, and if it were just one or two, I would be inclined to agree. But the injuries just kept accumulating. Zumaya, Rodney, and Rogers didn’t see a whole lot of action in ’07, and while Gary Sheffield and Jeremy Bonderman didn’t spend a whole lot of time on the DL, their injuries rendered them almost useless after the All-Star Break. And that’s not counting the little minor injuries that plagued them all year, from broken toes to groin injuries to flu outbreaks. I think in the end there were just too many injuries. If the team can stay healthy this year, they’ve got a better shot. Things haven’t started out well in that vein this spring, what with Zumaya, Rodney, and Granderson out for the beginning of the year. Just pray that there aren’t any more.

Well, those are my thoughts as we enter the home stretch. The part that really sucks is that the first four games all have 1:05 start times, and I’m at school then. My first chance to actually sit down and watch a full game won’t happen until the Saturday at the earliest (It’s a 3:55 start cuz it’s on FOX, and I should be able to watch it as long as I’m not working, but somehow I get the feeling that I will be). I know I’ll be able to catch the Sunday 8:05 game, cuz the pharmacy ain’t open then. Until then, cue the stress-inducing dramatic music of your choice.

The season preview will be up in the next couple days. I gotta tweak it a little bit now that Granderson's gone on the DL. In the meantime, we have finally reached the one week marker. The heart starts to beat just a little bit faster...

I really hadn't planned on posting again until Sunday or Monday with my season preview (especially since I worked so damn hard on the Fashion Guide that I wanted to leave it up as long as possible), but we've been without the Internet at my house for over two days, and we just got it fixed earlier today, so out of sheer joy of having it back, I have to post something.

I've been watching the Spring Training games that are on TV a little bit (FSN/ESPN). In case you're wondering, Magglio is back in my good graces. I know with Pudge it's gonna take a bit longer, and I'm willing to be patient as long as he leaves well enough alone. Actually, they had an interview with him during today's game, and he already looks a whole lot better (as long as he stays out of the sun), so my guess is that his hair should look okay in about a week or so, albeit a bit short. Besides, it may be warm, sunny, and humid down there in Florida, but up here...well...it's snowing. 'Nuff said. The strange thing about Pudge is that he isn't exactly what you would call "attractive" (I certainly don't; that marker is reserved for Verlander and Magglio), and yet he is one of the few guys I have ever seen who can actually pull off the five o'clock shadow look (although right now his is just about at the point where you can't really call it that anymore). One more thing about Pudge: I don't know what it is, but he just looks...different when he's at the plate than he used to. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, it's just different, and I can't quite put my finger on it. And since when did he use an elbow pad?

Another interesting thing that I've discovered is that seeing Brandon Inge or Ryan Raburn behind the plate is not as weird as I thought it would be. And it looks as though Ryan Raburn got himself a different mask since the last time I saw him catch. I'm not sure if there's any meaning to derive from that or not. I'm just kind of confused about the backup catcher situation. Leyland has repeatedly said it's not gonna be Brandon Inge, and I highly doubt they'd use Ryan Raburn in that role (cuz he really hasn't caught THAT much), but at the same time, nobody's said anything about Dane Sardinha in a really long time and everybody seems to assume that both Brandon Inge and Ryan Raburn will be on the big league roster come Opening Day, which doesn't work if you have a separate backup catcher (cuz Ramon Santiago has to be in there to play shortstop, and Marcus Thames is a definite lock as well since he's the only bench guy who can play first base). Even I don't expect Pudge to catch every single day until Vance Wilson is ready, so what's the deal?

Damn, Brandon sure can jump.

Okay, what's the deal with this? Do catchers do this intentionally? Cuz this isn't the first picture nor the first catcher I've seen applying the tag there. Nice bracelet, though.

Turning attention to some former Tigers, it seems that Andrew Miller is still battling his control, Mike Rabelo is injured and may start the season on the DL, Cameron Maybin is vying for that Florida starting center field job, and Craig Monroe is having a decent spring (or at least he was last time I checked, which admittedly has been a while). Also, the Tigers are playing Philadelphia tomorrow, and Chad Durbin's starting for the Phillies, which seems weird to me. Oh, well, I'm working 10-6 tomorrow so it's not like I'll see/hear it.

Apparently, Miss America will be singing the national anthem at Comerica Park on Opening Day. This would be a bigger deal if we knew who the hell she was.

Those who know me in real life will be the first to tell you I am anything but a fashion diva. It takes a lot to get me out of jeans and three-quarter sleeved shirts. However, I do not have to be on television every single night, whereas our stars of the baseball world do. Therefore, as a public service, I’ve provided this handy fashion guide to keep our boys of summer looking their best.

I.                     Pants/Socks

a.      This is the point that creates the biggest bone of contention for me, as many of you learned the hard way last year. Sometimes I think they ought to just go back to those stirrups and “sanitary hose” (God, I really hate that term; it sounds like some sort of feminine hygiene product), cuz that didn’t look good on anybody, so I would have no basis for criticism (though how they managed to keep the stirrup in their shoes is a complete mystery to me, cuz I wore stirrup pants back when they were popular in the late ‘80s/early ‘90s and I could never do it). At any rate, there’s a lot of people that go around arguing that the high socks-look (actually, I’m pretty sure that most guys have their socks pulled all the way up regardless, so “high pants” would be a more accurate term, but I digress) is more traditional and therefore everyone should wear their pants that way. It may be the more traditional look, but in reality, it’s a tricky look to pull off, and you have to have the right body for it. Curtis Granderson, Brandon Inge, Ubaldo Jimenez, and Ichiro Suzuki are three guys who can pull off the look. It’s difficult to explain what the “right body” is, but in general, guys who look good with the high socks are of slightly-above-average height (usually around 5’11” to 6’1”) and slender but not skinny. However, the most important factor is that his body is in proportion (i.e. legs/arms not too long or short, etc). I cannot stress this enough. Your body MUST be in proportion, otherwise the high socks will accentuate and exaggerate whatever part of your body is out of proportion. If you are fat (Carlos Silva), the high socks will make you look fatter. If you have cartoonishly long legs (Andrew Miller), the high socks will make your legs look even longer. If most of your build is concentrated in your chest/shoulders and your legs are just a tad too short (Pudge Rodriguez), the optical illusion created by the color differential of the high socks against the lighter-colored uniform will cause the eye to attempt to fit the same amount of mass into less space, and as a result, you will look rather boxy. If you have calves that are the same width as your thighs (Chris Shelton), the high socks will remove all semblance of definition and your legs will look like straight sticks. I think you get the point by now. Of the Tigers, Pudge was the most frequent violator of this rule last year, which you probably figured out after the third or fourth time I complained about it (which was after almost every instance except the Verlander no-hitter, and that was just cuz I didn’t want to ruin the moment). He seemed to be superstitious about it in relation to his hitting, which annoyed me (Hey, I don’t mind if the kids get a little superstitious now and then, but Pudge is 36 years old and should know better), but the thing that really drove me nuts was that I could never figure out what triggered it. The other thing that drove me nuts was that as far as I know, he had never done that prior to 2007, and I have no idea why he would change all of a sudden (Granted, I could be totally off the mark, since my only basis of comparison consists of a couple of old baseball cards, a few seconds of documentary footage, and the entire 2006 season and post-season, but it is a 162-game sample). At any rate, though I haven’t really seen any evidence to support this claim, I get the feeling that we haven’t seen this end to these occasional lapses in judgment, and that they may, in fact, be even more frequent. However you (my readers) had better pray I’m wrong, cuz if I’m not, trust me, you WILL hear about it. At length. In several languages, if need be. Consider yourself warned. And in case you’re curious, no, Pudge is not the first athlete I’ve completely sounded off on regarding unflattering choices in appearance (just be glad that I didn’t have a Xanga site back when Michelle Kwan had short hair). Miguel Cabrera also would get superstitious about his pants on occasion, and also does not look good with the high socks (he’s just too big of a guy), but at least with him, I could find a definite trigger. The funny thing is that Marcus Thames’s body is (obviously) completely different from Pudge’s, and yet when he wears the high socks (which, thankfully, is not very often), he gets thrown out of proportion in the exact same way as Pudge.

                                                              i.      There are, however, a couple loopholes that certain (keyword “certain”) guys can use to cheat the proportion rule. The first is if their pants are really baggy. I don’t have an everyday example to back this up, but this loophole gets illustrated terrifically during Negro Leagues Weekend when the Tigers wear the old Detroit Stars uniform. That uniform’s pants are so baggy that those who choose to wear the pants long don’t look quite right, whereas guys like Verlander and Pudge look fine.

                                                            ii.      The other loophole is the “alternate” solid color jersey that many teams possess. For some reason, it really cuts down on the “color differential” between the dark-colored socks and light-colored uniforms that I think is at the root of the proportion problem. Dontrelle Willis (who has a very short torso and comparatively long legs) is a good illustration of this. However, the Tigers do not have alternate jerseys, so this loophole becomes rather moot for most of my discussions (unfortunately, judging by the Spring Training photos I’ve seen, Dontrelle hasn’t gotten the memo).

                                                          iii.      Bear in mind that these loopholes only work for SOME guys. There are many more guys for which these loopholes will do absolutely nothing and who will look terrible with the high socks no matter what. The Tigers’ Macay McBride and the Marlins’ Taylor Tankersley are prime examples.

b.      If your team’s socks are BRIGHT red (a la the Diamondbacks or Red Sox) or BRIGHT blue (a la the Cubs or Royals), under no circumstances will the high socks look good on anybody. Please avoid wearing them.

c.      Black socks are kind of strange. With some teams, like the Orioles and the Astros, the socks are like the great gaping void of darkness, so dark that light cannot escape from it (hmmm…they must be made out of this material). I half expect all surrounding matter to be sucked into this void of blackness. Needless to say, this is very distracting, and I would recommend avoiding this problem altogether if you play for one of these teams. On the other hand, some teams, such as the Marlins and the Mariners, have black socks that look perfectly fine and those players are perfectly free to show ‘em off provided they conform to the other rules in this guide.

                                                              i.      Oddly enough, the Yankees have dark blue socks (I think), and yet A-Rod exhibits the “great gaping void of darkness” phenomenon just the same. I’m not sure what to make of that, because I think he would have the body for it if not for the fact that his butt’s just a little too big. Damn superstitious bastards. Of course, it’d probably help matters even more if he didn’t look like he was sucking on a lemon every time he’s in the batter’s box. The “gaping void of darkness” also seems to occur with Magglio, unless the broadcast is in HD (and you don’t realize until then just how thick Magglio’s legs are).

d.      Bald white guys should never wear the high socks. Ever.

e.      Catchers in general should not wear the high socks. Perhaps the worst-looking catcher with this look is Johnny Estrada of the Washington Nationals (formerly of the Milwaukee Brewers). An enormous upper body coupled with tiny-but-round calves makes for a disastrous combination (and by the way, in that photo I showed last week, he doesn’t look half as bad as he did in the Verlander no-hitter).

f.        If you do wear the high socks, please make sure your pantlegs are even with one another, especially if you’re a pitcher.

II.                   Hats/Batting Helmets

a.      Please try to keep your hat clean (i.e. no white fingerprints all over the bill).

b.      In the same vein, please do not lather your batting helmet in pine tar. It looks really bad. If it’s a dark helmet, it looks rusty. If it’s a brightly-colored helmet, it looks like someone set it on fire. Luckily, this doesn’t seem to be an issue with the Tigers, who all appear to have nice, shiny helmets. Good job, boys.

III.                  Shoes

a.      I know this look isn’t terribly popular, but I like shoes with lots of white or gray in them. I’m not necessarily talking about all-white shoes like the ones the Oakland Athletics wear (although they aren’t bad either). I’m talking about shoes that are black but have lots of white or gray in the design. This could also be considered a loophole to allow some guys to get around the high-sock-proportion rule. It also helped A-Rod for the brief time that he wore them.

b.      If you insist on wearing Adidas brand spikes, please wear them with long pants and no shin guard. If you wear Adidas spikes with a shin guard, it looks like you’re wearing spats. If you have the high socks, it looks like you’re wearing those “athletic” flip-flops (for lack of a better term) with black socks, which was a look that was quite popular with the jocks both when I was in middle school and when I was in high school. I didn’t like the look then, and I still don’t like it.

IV.               Batting Gloves

a.      This isn’t a real biggie with me, but I’m not all that fond of all-white batting gloves. I don’t know. It’s just a little too reminiscent of Mickey Mouse for my taste. But I’m not gonna make a huge deal out of it.

V.                 Protective Gear

a.      Please do not wear white shin guards. They look okay with the home uniform, but against the gray road pants…um, no.

b.      I really can’t explain this one, but for some reason, I really like the contrast created by the straps of the catcher’s shin guards against the white pants. I don’t know why, and I realize it’s quite bizarre. But for some reason, it’s just one of life’s simple pleasures for me (and please note that this is not a sexual thing). However, the pants have gotta be long for it to work (since I need to see both the upper and lower straps), and the shin guards can’t have a whole lot of additional equipment (i.e. “Knee-Saver” pads or that sort of thing). This isn’t necessarily a fashion rule, per se, but it’ll get you bonus points, especially if you’re not that tall a catcher.

c.      I realize you guys have gotta protect your manhood, and I have no problem with that. But please, get a cup that fits. It’s bad enough watching y’all spit every three seconds. I don’t want to have to see you adjusting your crotch whenever you run the bases.

d.      Along those same lines, please do not prop your bat up against the protective cup at any time. I’m not even gonna get into the Freudian implications.

e.      If you wear the old-style catcher’s mask, don’t flip the helmet around so that the bill is facing forward when you go out to greet your pitcher at the end of the game. It looks wrong. The only catcher I know of who can get away with this look is former Marlin (and current Royal) Miguel Olivo.

VI.               Jewelry

a.      There are a lot of sportscasters who disapprove of all the bling-bling. I don’t mind it so much as long as it’s not too gaudy or distracting (and I have no idea how Carlos Guillen wasn’t absolutely weighed down by those huge crosses he wore all last year).

b.      This is another one that’s more “bonus point” than “rule,” but I like it when the guys wear bracelets.

Next Week: My 2008 season preview.

I'm gonna hold off posting the Fashion Guide until tomorrow, as I've been sick as a dog all weekend and there are a few revisions I still need to make on it. In the meantime, did anyone else see today's split-squad game against the Mets? It's bad enough that my head is pounding and I'm coughing up a lung, but are my boys actually TRYING to piss me off? Magglio should NOT wear his pants like that (especially not when I'm watching him on very low-resolution streaming video), and Pudge looks like he lost a fight with a Flowbee. I'm telling you, nobody on that team gets any style points today. All the style points go to the guys at Al Lang Field who played against the Rays. They may have lost their game as well, but at least they looked good doing it. As for Magglio, Pudge, and the rest of that lot, you've got two weeks to rectify the situation. I suggest you get to it.

During the 2007 season, I had a tendency to kind of coin my own phrases to describe certain situations. Not wanting to leave you newcomers in the dark, I’ve helpfully decided to compile my terms into this short glossary, so enjoy.

Fashion Police: This is the unavoidable tendency I have to comment on someone anytime they look “different” in some way, shape, or form, be it wearing their pants differently, new shoes, or a change in facial hair. I also do a Fashion Police report anytime there’s a fan wearing some sort of wacky outfit. It can end in either a positive or negative assessment, but it’s not a feature I particularly enjoy, mostly because I end up completely rambling about the subject and losing all credibility whatsoever.

Human Voodoo Doll/Sympathy Pain: I kind of alternate between these two terms, so I’ve put them together in the glossary. Last year, I seemed to frequently come up with little bumps and bruises that oddly coincided with the players suffering similar injuries. It started one day at work when I was telling one of my co-workers about the time I pulled my hamstring while fencing. I got home that night and turned on the game, only to learn that Pudge had had to leave with a hamstring injury. And so it continued for most of the season. Magglio got hit in the hand by a pitch, and then my hand was really sore for about two weeks (to the point where it was excruciating to open stock bottles). I had a sore back one day, and Brandon Inge missed the game with back spasms. Pudge and I had issues with dizziness around the same time. The reason it has two different terms is that the timing of these coincidences was never consistent. Sometimes, the “real” injury would happen first, and then I would feel it, and sometimes it was the other way around. My co-worker was the one who coined the “sympathy pains” term. Laura, mistaking one of my posts to mean that I always suffered the injury before the players, suggested the Human Voodoo Doll. I guess the term I use is gonna depend on the timing, but hopefully I won’t have to use either.

It’s a West Coast Thing: For some reason, games that the Tigers played in ballparks on the west coast were prone to really strange things happening, be it fan interference, kissing, broadcasters focusing more on the cotton candy vendors than the game, pitching meltdowns, blown saves, highlight-reel plays, sloppy defense, ejections, a series of bad calls that turn out to be the deciding factor of the game, you name it. Angel Stadium and Safeco Field were more prone to strangeness than McAfee Coliseum, but it had its moments as well. Usually the weirdness was either bad (see “Twilight Zone Hell”) or funny, but every once in a while it would help the Tigers out.

Milestone Curse: I’m really not that superstitious, but it seems that for whatever reason, anytime one of the Tigers had some sort of career milestone in a game, the Tigers would lose. Craig Monroe’s 100^th home run, Magglio’s 300^th double, Sheffield’s 2500^th hit, and Pudge’s 2057^th game caught all ended in losses. Now, occasionally someone would buck the trend (I believe Guillen got his 1000^th hit and Pudge hit his 500^th double in games the Tigers won), but it’s still a weird coincidence. Milestones to watch out for in 2008: Sheffield’s 500^th home run, Pudge’s 2500^th hit, Polanco breaking the all-time errorless streak for an infielder, and Kenny Rogers making his 92^nd career pickoff, which would give him the most all-time.

Reyes Effect: This is my term for the phenomenon of the Tigers offense being absolutely stymied by a normally so-so, unremarkable, or unknown opposing pitcher. It’s named after Anthony Reyes of the St. Louis Cardinals, who completely handcuffed the Tiger batters in Game 1 of the 2006 World Series, retiring 17 guys in a row at one point (and going into this matchup, the odds were dramatically in favor of Justin Verlander, who ended up struggling and began the parade of pitcher errors that became the theme of the entire World Series). Reyes went on to have a rather dismal 2007, finishing 2-14 with a 6.04 ERA, and one of those losses did come against the Tigers. Pitchers who turned in a Reyes Effect performance on the Tigers in 2007 include Josh Towers of the Toronto Blue Jays, Jorge De La Rosa of the Kansas City Royals, Dallas Braden of the Oakland Athletics, Cha Seung Baek of the Seattle Mariners, and Kameron Loe of the Texas Rangers. Now, occasionally I branded a performance as a Reyes Effect, only to reverse my diagnosis further on down the road, usually because that pitcher turns out to be consistent and effective in most of his starts regardless of the opposing team. James Shields of the Rays and Brian Bannister of the Royals are two examples of this. Gavin Floyd of the Chicago White Sox is a strange case, in that he really didn’t pitch well against anyone EXCEPT the Tigers. His first start against them didn’t go too well for him (though the Tigers ended up losing that game cuz the bullpen faltered), but in his other three starts against the Tigers, the Reyes Effect was in full force. I would’ve removed his name from the “Reyes Effect list of pitchers” after the second time (since the Reyes Effect is usually an isolated case for a pitcher) if not for the fact that he continued to suck against everyone else. If this continues to happen in 2008, or if another pitcher starts to exhibit this trait, the “Floyd Effect” may be born. Hopefully, that won’t happen.

That F**king Drum: I really hate that drum that they play incessantly during the late innings at Jacobs/Progressive Field. It’s incredibly annoying (which is a shame, since I’ve been kinda curious about seeing the Tigers on the road, and Cleveland would be the most logical choice, geographically speaking). Also, if I’ve got the TV playing too loud, that drum is always at a different rhythm than what my heart is beating at, and that hurts (It’s kind of like standing next to a large subwoofer that’s blaring out hip-hop music).

Twilight Zone Hell: This is a game in which strange things happen that turn out to be bad news, and the Tigers end up losing. More often than not, Twilight Zone Hell makes its home on the west coast (see “It’s a West Coast Thing”).

Umpires on Crack: I’m not one to blame umpires for Tiger losses. That’s not my thing, and it smells largely of scapegoating to me, since no one’s perfect. That said, there are a few games where umpires either make consistently bad calls, or one whacked-out call turns out to be the deciding factor in a game. That’s where Umpires on Crack comes in.

Wardrobe Miscues: This is similar to Fashion Police, except Wardrobe Miscues are almost always negative.

I’m sure I’ll be coining more phrases this season, but this’ll do for now.

Next Week: The Total Amateur Analysis Guide to Baseball Fashion.

Find out why Johnny Estrada fails miserably…

Hello all, and welcome to another exciting season of the Total Amateur Analysis. Last year, we fell a little short. Hopefully this year things’ll be better. And hopefully I’ve gained at least some readers, even if you don’t comment, which is fine. Yeah, I’m probably being way too optimistic. Still, if there is anyone new out there, I’d like to spend the next few weeks before Opening Day getting you acquainted with my style of sports blogging. I’ve got several “features” planned, and I’ll probably post about one a week. I’ll start things off with an introductory FAQ, so let’s get started…

Q: Okay, so who the hell are you, anyway?

A: Most of you already know me to some degree, but for those of you that don’t: My name is Erin, I am 24 years old, and I live near Toledo. I am currently a pharmacy student at the University of Toledo, and I work as a pharmacy technician. I’ve been a lifelong Tigers fan, carrying on the family tradition (both my grandpas and my dad root for the Tigers as well; my grandpa on my mom’s side was especially enthusiastic, but unfortunately, he never got to a game, so I’ve made a resolution to take a picture of him with me to any game I go to). My other hobbies include movies, playing computer games, reading, and fencing. I also speak four languages (to varying degrees) and am very, very ADHD, so watch out.

Q: Why is this called the Total Amateur Analysis?

A: Isn’t it obvious? I’m far from an expert when it comes to the subject of baseball. I mean, I know enough to enjoy it and to be able to figure out what’s going on most of the time, but a lot of the details escape me. Granted, I’ve gotten a lot better in the past couple years. I no longer capitalize “grand slam” and I am aware that the Montreal Expos are now the Washington Nationals (and by the way, I’m even more clueless when it comes to the National League). I’m also getting better when it comes to players’ names.  Prior to 2006, the only Tiger on the current roster that I’d ever heard of was Kenny Rogers. And as for the rest of baseball, well, I knew Derek Jeter, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, and about three or four other guys, but that’s about it. While the NL still mostly remains a mystery to me in that department (with the exception of the Florida Marlins), I’ve gotten a lot better with the AL. At any rate, it does make this blog different from Those Who Know More Than Me, and it’s kind of fun seeing how much singular devotion and gut instinct matches with real expert analysis.

Q: How many games have you been to?

A: Exactly two, both of them at Comerica Park, and both last year (August 3^rd against the White Sox, and August 6^th against the Rays). I’ve also been to one Mud Hens game. I would dearly love to go to more games this season, but I’m not sure how feasible that is. Barring any unforeseen event, I will probably make it to one game as a birthday present. My original plan was to have a second game as a Christmas present, but somehow my dad failed to get the message, so I have to come up with another plan. It’s not that I can’t afford tickets (normally I can), but I don’t trust my car to get there and I don’t particularly want to go by myself anyway.

Q: So, have you ever actually played?

A: Short answer, no. Long answer, probably not. I’ve never played on a bona fide team, but in middle school and high school, we normally played about six weeks’ worth of softball in gym class. It was rather crude, though. I remember playing a lot of first base in middle school (first base was my favorite position at the time, likely because Cecil Fielder was my favorite player). High school was cheap, though. They didn’t provide gloves so you only had one if you brought one from home. Me being not so athletically inclined, I did not own one. As a result, I ended up playing shortstop and third base a lot (usually third base) cuz I needed to be somewhere on the field where I didn’t need to catch the ball very often. From an offensive standpoint, I don’t recall getting a lot of hits, but I was really good at moving runners over and getting them in cuz I didn’t strike out very often and the kids in my class couldn’t turn a double play if their lives depended on it. I do remember hitting a lot of ground balls. I must’ve been out in front or something.

Q: Hey, remember back in the day…?

A: Actually, no. I don’t. I’m not one of those people who get all teary-eyed and sentimental about Tiger Stadium and Ernie Harwell, because…well…I can’t. The only memories I have of Ernie Harwell are of those couple games that he filled in for Rod Allen last year, as well as the occasional appearance with Jon Miller and Joe Morgan, or on the radio. I have been to Tiger Stadium once, but I don’t remember it all that well, cuz it was about 10 years ago. Our eighth grade field trip was to a Tigers game against the Baltimore Orioles. Long story short, the game was postponed cuz it wouldn’t stop raining, and had I not been sitting in our class’s section when the announcement was made, I would’ve been able to get Cal Ripken’s autograph. Yeah, I might be a tad bitter about that. Other than that, I watched the occasional game on TV, especially when I was about 10 or 11 years old, cuz I always watched the after-school cartoons on FOX (Tiny Toons, Animaniacs, and-yes-Power Rangers), and every once in a while they would show a Tigers game instead. Since my grandparents didn’t have cable, and since I didn’t want to watch Oprah or soap operas, I’d go ahead and watch the game. However, I really don’t remember those games. I have brief flashes and images in my mind. I remember watching Cecil Fielder, and I have some fuzzy and not-at-all concrete memories of one game in particular. I’m pretty sure that it was a home game (at Tiger Stadium) and for some reason, my gut’s telling me it was against either the Toronto Blue Jays or the Texas Rangers (and yes, if it was Texas, the irony does not escape me). But I couldn’t tell you anything about the score or what year it was (sometime between 1993 and 1997 is my guess) or about who played in it. I’m pretty sure that the Tigers were still in the East Division, though. You also have to remember that I was a year old the last time the Tigers won the World Series, and I was only ten in 1993 (the last time they had a winning record prior to two years ago). Essentially, in my experience, the Tigers sucked until 2006, so the past two years and the expectations for this season are all very new to me. It’s wonderful, strange, and terrifying all at the same time.

Q: Have you met any players?

A: None of the current Tigers. I have an autographed baseball from my trip to Tiger Stadium in eighth grade, but I have no idea whose signature it is (I also have Paws’s autograph, and the baseball used to have a second signature, but it has mysteriously faded away). I met Gates Brown at one of the games I went to last year, and I have his autograph. As far as other players are concerned, I met Ron Rightnowar (formerly of the Milwaukee Brewers, and the answer to the Trivial Pursuit question about who was the first replacement player after the strike of ’94) when I was in seventh grade. He was a friend of my seventh grade Language Arts teacher, and he is also the uncle of a girl who used to work at the pharmacy (until she graduated). He is currently the baseball coach for Toledo Christian. Also, there is a guy I went to high school with briefly (he transferred after his freshman or sophomore year) who is currently a starting pitcher for the AA affiliate of the Seattle Mariners. He likely wouldn’t remember me, but he might remember my mom, who was his art teacher. If I do make it to more games this year, I’d like to do a lot more dugout-stalking (Laura and I tried a little bit last year, but our timing sucked and we came up empty). My problem is that I am desperate to come up with something intelligent to say whenever I meet someone famous, but for the life of me, I can’t think of anything, and when the time comes, I tend to clam up and I can barely speak at all. Plus, with baseball players, I have the added complication of wondering whether or not to talk to the Latin players in Spanish. I haven’t  decided whether it would be nice, cheesy, or condescending.

Q: Why Pudge? I don’t get it.

A: Yeah, at first glance, it doesn’t make much sense. Those of you who know me know that I champion the beta male (just read any one of my stories for proof of that), and yet Pudge is probably the most alpha male member of the Tigers. However, despite that, and despite the fact that he’s not exactly the most humble person on the face of the earth, he’s still a damn good player. Part of the reason I like him is cuz I seem to have a soft spot for catchers (and I think I have a soft spot for catchers partially because they’re kinda the brains of the operation, which I always like and partially because it’s probably the position I would end up playing if I did play baseball or softball, since I’ve got the body for it, I have strong legs from fencing, and I’ve got a fairly high tolerance for pain). However, I think most of my reason is cuz he was essentially the first piece of the puzzle when it came to making the Tigers a good team again. I mean, when he first signed, the Tigers had just come off that crap-tastic 119-loss season of 2003 and nobody wanted anything to do with them. I remember some commentator on TV during the playoffs in 2006 describe Pudge as “the first cool guy to pledge the loser fraternity,” and I think that’s a pretty good metaphor. I mean, without him, who knows if you get Magglio and Kenny Rogers and all those other guys further down the road? Long story short, he saved my team. Plus, that arm of his is wicked cool.

Q: What other Tigers do you like?

A: Verlander’s definitely my favorite pitcher, and my second-favorite overall, and for whatever reason, I tend to get a little more “girly” (for lack of a better term) when discussing Verlander than when I’m discussing any of the other players. Maggs rounds out my top three.

Q: Are there any other teams in particular that you strongly like or dislike?

A: Believe it or not, I actually like the Yankees. I think that’s mostly cuz I like the city of New York, but regardless of the reason, they’re probably my second favorite team. I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to the National League, but I kinda grew fond of the Florida Marlins while I was watching archived games on MLB.tv to “scout” Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. I mean, I know they’re not really a good team, but there’s this certain scrappy quality to them that I find endearing. As far as teams I don’t like, well, I used to really hate the Atlanta Braves, but for some reason I’ve kinda mellowed that over the past ten years or so. I don’t like Cleveland, cuz, well, they’re the chief rival and their fans drive me nuts (and believe me, there’s a fairly large number of them here in the Toledo area; in fact, for the second semester in a row, half my Spanish class consists of Indians fans, and the weird thing is that only one of them was in my class last semester). I’m also not crazy about the Boston Red Sox (though I do kinda like the “bullpen band” that they had going during the playoffs last year). What I don’t get about the Red Sox is this: When did they suddenly become regarded as the “America’s Sweetheart” of teams? They have almost as big a payroll as the Yankees and they can be just as dominant as the Yankees. So why are the Yankees the Evil Empire and the Red Sox the Valiant Heroes?

Q: Hey, I don’t give a damn about baseball. I’m only here cuz I’m your friend and/or I like reading Oscar Picks/the dumbest commercials/Olympic Update/about your life. What about me?

A: You’re in luck! I plan on having a special segment of the blog called “In Other News” where I’ll put anything non-baseball related that I want to say. It’ll take the place of “One Year Ago,” which I’ve decided to discontinue.

Q: Anything else I should know about?

A: Well, there’s probably several things, but I can’t think of all of them right now. The principal thing is that I’m a filmmaker/editor at heart, and as a result, I see baseball seasons as movies more than anything else (hey, once I found the drama in it, I was hooked). Many people in this world have problems with seeing fantasy and thinking it’s reality. I’m just the opposite. A lot of the time I forget that the players are real people and I just think of them as characters. I’m not sure what effect that has on this blog, but now you know.

Next Week: The Total Amateur Analysis Glossary. Find out what the hell I mean when I talk about the Reyes Effect, the Milestone Curse, or Umpires on Crack.